Six couples. Three singles. One friend’s house. Pizza for dinner. Wine. Beer. Fun. Then? Weirdness. Somewhere between talking about jobs, kids (or lack thereof) and vacation plans, someone brings up the issue of sex. Ok. We’re game, let’s all talk about sex.
It’s all good, and very general, until one married guy says that he thinks that a prime component of marriage is “good head,” or oral sex. His wife is sitting next to him, mind you. Then this guy, who I’ll call “Mr. XYZ” goes on to say that men wouldn’t cheat if more oral sex was to be had.
Mrs. XYZ is silent.
Can anyone say awkward?!?!
One guy tries to recover the situation by saying something funny about sex. Then I jump in and say that the proper ways to use and enjoy sex are actually passed down from mother to daughter, father to son, in many cultures. Unfortunately, in Black culture, we are left to fend for ourselves with little discussion – except at odd dinner parties or with friends – so it’s no wonder that many people are uncomfortable and whathaveyou.
Then I’m like, have any of you all watched Dr. Laura Berman, or Dr. Drew? Dr. Laura is on the radio here and she’s a trip. Blah Blah Blah. And Dr. Drew? He’s got a new show where he helps people with sexual addictions. Blah blah Blah.
The tension in the room falls as we discuss Dr. Laura’s commentary, which many of the folks have heard before. There’s laughter. More wine. More beer. Then Mrs. XYZ says, “well I know that Dr. Laura says to communicate, but what if you say that oral sex hurts your neck, what does she say if your husband doesn’t want to listen to that?”
Oh boy.
Now, I’m not the hostess of said party. The hostess was silent for most of this interchange. Then, another partygoer says, “So… how about them Bears?”
Everyone jumps wholeheartedly into a discussion of Jay Cutler, except for two more guys who someone start talking about the faults of the black middle class and how the black middle class doesn’t help students. This one dude is a teacher and he feels as though he’d rather have people give him money than have them volunteer in the classroom.
That conversation goes downhill as well, as the guys and their wives proceed to lambast black folks who don’t do as they do with the community. When it is pointed out that everyone helps in their own way, the two dudes reject that notion, instead saying that the only way to help is to do it their way.
Oh boy again.
This whole time, the hubby and I are sitting back in the cut, along with another husband and wife team. The four of us exchange looks the whole time. We’re on the same team here… You never discuss your marriage in public, let alone with strangers. And you never, ever, never talk about your sexual dissatisfaction in front of strangers and you certainly never say things that put down your significant other. That’s not love. That’s spite.
We left shortly thereafter. It was just too uncomfortable to be there with these guys yelling at each other about the faults of everybody in the room and then to follow that up with the sexual faults of their wives – who were sitting there in the room too.
I thought that some things were off limits in terms of polite dinner conversation. Have we gotten so comfortable with our casualness that we now disrespect each other at every rip?
Here then are the new rules for dinner parties:
1. Do NOT talk about sex. At all. In any way, form or fashion.
2. Do NOT criticize anything that could be related to your dinner partners.
3. Do ask everyone what they do, where they live and try to find a common item to discuss. i.e. if you like the architecture in their ‘hood, ask about that.
4. Do ask people more about themselves or about a non-confrontational situation… Why do you teach? Why are you an architect? What’s it like being a prosecutor? Why did you choose the South Side when you were looking at places to live? How about those Bears? How about those Blackhawks? How about the parking meter situation? Ever been to the Bahamas, Turks and Caicos, Detroit? Let’s talk about travel. Tell me about your wedding, your office, your block, your church. Did you see CSI last week? or V? ANYTHING positive and pleasant and not too deep.
5. Do NOT talk about your spouse unless it is lovely praise.
6. If you have nothing nice to say, be quiet and drink some wine.
That is all.
