Adrienne Writes

Everybody has a list of items they want to find in their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to be.

It’s good to know what you want so that, in a “the Secret” kind of way, you can visualize your future with the end in mind. However, some of this visualization goes a bit too far. It is unrealistic to expect that your man be six foot three, muscled up, a brain surgeon, owner of three homes and four BMWs, have a great relationship with his parents, have no kids, work out four times a week, speak two languages and be a perfectly romantic guy who fulfills your every whim. AND be 27.

Likewise, gentlemen, a lady who looks like Beyonce, has her own hair, sings like Chaka Khan, cooks like Rachel Ray, is a freak in bed, enjoys oral and anal sex to the exclusion of traditional sex, has a flat tummy for the rest of her life, never goes on her period, has a perfect credit score, enjoys football and basketball, is happy to clean up after you and is happy to have your children without evidence of a solid relationship is also a pie in the sky kind of list.

Let’s be more realistic, shall we?

Barack Obama wasn’t born a hot shot. When he dated Michelle he drove a car with a hole in the floor. He looked funny. He didn’t have money for fancy dates. Michelle made more money than him. Hello. She still dated him because she liked him. Who knew that he’d be rich and famous and president one day? Michelle’s list didn’t require that Barack already be a part of high society.

Look around at folks in their 50s, 60s and 70s. The reason why many of them are married, drive Cadillacs, have big houses, tithe thousands of dollars to church and can take fab trips to Athens or to Jamaica now that their kids are out of college is because they pulled their money together and made their finances WORK when they were a young couple.

My parents, for example, have done quite well. But they didn’t always have a house on a hill. They used to live in the ‘hood. But they worked hard to move up and out. They pooled their resources after they got married. They decided to start a business, to get a few more degrees, to buy more property, to lean on cousins and grandparents for help with babysitting and so on and so forth. Decades later, they built a comfortable life.

Let’s repeat that: DECADES.

If you want a young man financially situated like Obama, then you will need to find a professional ball player who will marry you without a prenup. Or, you need to find a man who is 67, wrinkled, on Viagra and retired from a government job that he held for decades. For the guys, you’ll need a woman like Oprah. Good luck finding that.

As for me, I chose a perfect-for-me guy who is working on his masters degree, owns some property and already has a decade of managerial experience under his belt. He aint driving no Caddy or a Beamer. And that’s OK because I don’t drive a Beamer either. Like me, he’s working to improve his situation. And, like me, he’s realized that us working together on more education, paying for property, plotting out ways to pay down debt – those are the quickest ways to success.

I talk with his friends and with my friends who are trying to find the perfect someone. Many of them have a list of some sort. And most of those lists are set up to help them fail. Everybody wants the perfectly perfect mate with the perfect social status, income, car, home, brains and physical looks. Everyone wants to marry up. But guess what? Marrying up is a fairy tale ideal that doesn’t really translate well to today’s society. You want up? Get up there yourself.

The status quo trappings of success only come with a winning Lotto ticket, an extraordinary job or time. And study after study shows that married people earn more money, live longer and have fewer physical ailments than the singles amongst us. Start a little younger and put in a few decades with Malik or Tarik or Jason and you just might wind up with a president if you plan your collective futures just right.

And gentlemen, this means you must get over your own list for yourself. No one wants to start dating you when you get old and have lost your hair and your six pack. So, you don’t've time to get the house and Jaguar before you find your wife. Find her. Marry her. Let her love lift you into being a better man. Then, buy a house and a Jag together.

Rather than looking for a rich mate, why not look for a mate to get rich with?