Newlywed Ruminations: Recession proof dating…

29 01 2011

According to Def Jam Rapstar, I am apparently an “off the chain” rapper. This is interesting to me because though I try mightily to imitate Twista, I simply can’t rap fast enough to keep up with him. I’m amazed that the game rates me as Off the Chain when it comes to his songs. I’m pretty good at anything by Tribe, Diddy, BIG, Drake and Run DMC. Not so good at Lil Wayne and Soulja Boy Tell’m. (Though to be honest, I just run out of breath on Soulja boy.. trying to hold a off-key “swag OOOOOOONNNNNNNNN” is tough for me because I want to change the pitch SO damn bad.)

Lil Wayne isn’t spitting anything difficult to imitate, but the omission of the curse words throws me off a bit. And then I just stop rapping because I get so engrossed in the videos.

The Gibbsman actually sounds like Busta Rhymes, so it’s pretty fun when we do Scenario. But neither of us can freestyle, so the battle part of the game? We’ll probably both lose at that.

All this to say, The Gibbsman and I have a lot of fun playing together. Sometimes it’s Tekken. Other times it’s Rachet and Clank. Often I watch him play NBA 2K11. Often he watches me swing swords and fight dragons with the Legend of Zelda or the Lord of the Rings. The games change week to week. The feelings don’t. We have fun with each other.

Someone asked me what enjoyment we could possibly get by playing these games. Well, it’s winter and we live in Chicago. There is still a recession going on.  The average movie in Chicago costs about $12 per adult and about $25 to park your car. Meanwhile, cable is like $60 a month and the Redbox offers movies for $1 a night. A drink at the bar costs $10.50 but a bottle of vodka costs $18. When you start to average it all out, it makes more sense to stay home, pop in a game, watch a DVD and mix your own drink. Sometimes this can make for a great date.

Plus, just watching TV can be kind of boring. It’s more fun to try and kill a dragon while your husband throws pillows at you. It creates a 3-D kind of experience and burns more calories than just sitting on the couch with the Wii remote.

Other recession proof date ideas:

- free ice skating at your city rink

- snow ball fights on the beach near Lake Michigan

- oddly, visiting Sam’s Club and making a date out of eating lunch after shopping

- Thai restaurants are tasty, can be healthy and are always, always affordable.

- Any kind of karaoke video game.

Got any more ideas? Feel free to share!

‘Course, we do go out. But not every night.


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City Stories: “No sir officer, I am not gay. And even if I was, I don’t need you to pray out the devil from me.”

27 01 2010

It was 10 p.m. on a Saturday night.

A female friend and I were heading home from the Robin Thicke concert at The Vic in Chicago. She had stomach cramps, so she needed to stop at Walgreens. So we stopped.

I decided to get some Zyrtec, strawberry ice cream and a black and mild. My friend, who I’ll call Sarah, got the usual supplies for her condition.

Whilst we were grabbing said supplies, we saw a teeny little girl running around. She asked us if we’d seen her brother. Then a cop approached. He was a big guy with a big stomach and he kinda resembled Charlie Rangel. The cop told the little girl that her little brother was in the candy aisle. Then he turns to me and says: ” I took home ten kids like this just an hour ago. They momma sent them to this here store, to get stuff. And that’s terrible. These kids need to be watched, they need to be at home!”

Sarah and I agree. It’s never good to have mom ask the kid to go to the store and bring her back a fifth of vodka. Sarah turns to pick up some toilet paper. I wait.

Cop speaks again: “You know them parents act like the devil sometimes, what with what they do to these kids. Poking them in the ass, opening up they coochies and sticking things in there.”

Sarah and I exchange wary glances. At first he was funny, but this? This is not the type of thing you expect a cop to say to you in Walgreens.

Cop leans in, touches Sarah on the shoulder like they’re close friends.

Cop speaks again: “You know the Lord don’t like that gay stuff. You aren’t born that way, you decide to be a pansy. You gone burn in hell.”

Sarah and I decide to keep walking. So now we’re in the pharmacy area. She’s perusing tampons. I’m perusing bottles of Zyrtec. Hmm. $15? $18 or $25? That is the question for me at that moment.

I grab a bottle. Sarah grabs her female stuff. We walk back toward the cashier.

Cop yells out: “You sick? Are you sick? What’s ailing you? You need to come down to my church and let my pastor lay hands on you to shame out that devil.”

Sarah and I rush to the counter.

Cop yells more: “You know them gay people, they just put Vaseline on they fingers and stick it to each other. They just do all kinds of unnatural things. Those gay people.”

Sarah and I are still in line. It’s a loooong line.

I say to her: “Does he think we’re gay? Is that why he keeps talking about anal sex? Do gay women even have anal sex with each other? Why is he talking about laying hands on me? I don’t want him touching me.”

She says: “I think he does think that.”

I say: “Have you ever heard someone describe using Vaseline in that way? Not even my gay friends talk about that kind of stuff with me. I would imagine that intimate sexual details are just that – intimate.”

Cop yells: “Lemme lay hands on you! It’s unnatural!!”

We’re freaked out.

We’re both Christians, but we also believe that when some folks touch you, they might try to pass along some bad juju – especially if they’re carrying a gun and talking so graphically in a sexual manner.

Finally we pay for our food and escape the Walgreens.

Shouldn’t that cop be out catching criminals or something?

Wait. No. He’s inside Walgreens hunting down lesbians.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Is your boo “into you?”

3 01 2010

He’s Just Not That Into You is on pretty heavy rotation on HBO. In fact, the movie seems to come on every two hours. It’s hard to miss the message. And that got me to thinking about my own boo, aka the hubby, and how I knew he was close to being the one when I didn’t have to beg and plead with him to spend important holidays with me.

For women there is usually an unspoken rule about New Year’s Eve, Christmas Day, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day and July 4th. (Sometimes Labor Day gets thrown in there, but often not…) The rule is this: he’s into you if he makes plans to spend the holiday with you and then he follows through on those plans. He is not into you if he can’t be found on New Year’s Eve. For me, the exception to this rule is Christmas Day. Unless you’re very close to being married, or considering it, I’m not so sure that Christmas Day is the Day to be hemming and hawing about where the person you’re dating is spending his time. He’s with family. The lady should be with family too. They should hook up on Christmas Night or if they planned it right, Christmas Eve.

Anyone who asks you to leave your family on Christmas Day is too selfish for words. As Jay-Z says, “on to the next one…”

Aside from the big C (or other significant religious/family holidays) the significant other is definitely into you if he/she does holidays with you. And listen, if he says he can’t possibly make it to see you at any time between Thanksgiving and New Years, then he’s really not into you.

While dating, my hubby was definitely into me. I was into him. We spent our first New Year’s Eve together at the emergency room because he had to get his appendix removed asap. It was pretty scary. That’s when I realized that I couldn’t live without him. And, when he woke up at 4 a.m. from surgery, I was right there, holding an ice chip. It didn’t occur to me to be bummed out about missing all the parties until weeks later. Even then, I wasn’t bummed out. What’s a party without my boo?

Sometimes the best holidays are spent inside and away from the masses. And that, I feel, is the true measure of whether or not he’s really into you. If you both can go solo, in your crib or a hospital recovery room, with just a bottle of water, some ice chips and a black and white TV that won’t change stations, then you’re all good.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Are you part of an SBC? Raise your hand!

3 12 2009

To borrow a phrase from my friend Jonathan, the SBC is the “successful Black couple.”

The SBC is a couple – married or committed – that revels in the beauty of being together. SBCs unapologetically love and forgive and are sick and tired of people being negative about marriage and commitment. SBCs don’t buy into the popular sentiment that marriage is for White people. SBCs reject the thought that all marriages – especially Black ones – end in divorce. In fact, the D word is shunned as a part of the vocabulary of the SBC – much like how contemplating your own death is usually a morbid no-no. News flash: Just because Tiger or Tasha did the wrong thing in their marriage doesn’t mean anyone else will.

SBC’s believe in the power of cooperation, they’ve thrown away their “lists” and they have a set of agreed upon, established goals they are trying to accomplish together. SBCs know that wealth and education are easier had together than apart. SBCs are also mature enough to know that they are done playing the field – or perhaps never played the field at all – and therefore are OK being with each other. In fact, in their eyes, there is no greater prize than the other half of the SBC.

I had the pleasure of sharing a chocolate dinner (yes, you read that right, a chocolate dinner) with a fellow SBC. Fully confident in each other, they enjoyed their meal/dessert and shared stories of their couples love with me. We bonded over stories of doing things together as a family unit, learning together, growing together, learning how to be selfless and in so doing showing others that SBCs are the rule, not the exception. I know of another SBC in my age group, my girl Tearsa. She encourages her friends to tweet about positive Black commitment.

I agree with Tearsa’s stance. If we spent half as much time talking about what DOES work and what is RIGHT and GOOD about Black relationships and Black people in general, then the immature failed-at-being-romantic betrayals of prominent Black athletes would be inconsequential to us and would have no bearing on our own relationships. I suggest that we flip the script. Start from a positive place. Believe that you can be a part of an SBC. We do exist.

I’m part of one. My parents are in one. Most of my cousins (who are married, that is) are part of one. My boss is part of one. My hubby’s parents are definitely an SBC, as is my sis-in-law and her hubby. My wedding dinner hosted some 300 people and 80 percent of them were SBCs. We went to Orlando to celebrate our one-year anniversary with another SBC from Philadelphia. My church is full of SBCs. My fav group of journalists are all successful SBCs. When I go out to dinner on Friday nights, I see SBCs all around me – laughing, clinking glasses, showing off sparkly wedding bands and rings, rubbing pregnant bellies and holding hands.

Don’t you see them too? If not, try looking a little harder. Or perhaps you’re in the wrong place.

SBCs tend not to be in the club, but they will be in the lounge. SBCs hold lots of house parties and dinner parties and game nights. SBCs serve their community at soup kitchens or Girl Scout troops or by volunteering at the youth center together. They attend Delta balls or Kappa balls or Links events. Wannabe middleclass? Sure, if that’s what you want to call it. But to see it from a more positive viewpoint, one of the beautiful aspects of such goings-ons is that they celebrate the SBC rather than tear it down. In fact, often at such events, to be part of an SBC is expected.

Now, there are also SWCs, SHCs, SNCs and SACs. It’s all good no matter your race.

Do you want to be part of a successful couple?

It takes one to know one. If you are single and you want to strengthen your SBC range, then start hanging out with other SBCs and their like-minded friends. Surround yourself with people who believe that Black love is more than simply possible, but that it is the Way and the Truth. Remember that like attracts like. Great minds hang together. Positive minds hang together.

Remember: the negative person looks around one day and discovers that there is no one listening to their complaints.

But us SBCs? We’ve found our flock and we support each other. It aint always easy, and yes we get on each other’s nerve, but we stick together. Our mindset is to stay together forever. Period.

SBCs of the world rise up and show’m how it’s done.


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Newlywed Ruminations/Living together before marriage?

24 11 2009

A friend asked me whether I thought it was a good idea to live together before marriage… Here’s my take:

I know some folks who believe that it’s necessary to live together before marriage to “test out” what happens when the relationship gets real close. It’s a practice for marriage, they say. You live together, pay bills together, perhaps have some kids, make love every night and maybe, one day, actually walk down that aisle. And if it doesn’t work out, after six years of living together, you can break up! No strings attached.

Isn’t that lovely?

Actually no. You just wasted six years of good dating life on some fool who was not the “one.” Why on earth would you do that?

You shortchange yourself by living together before marriage. If you are good enough to be a sexually-close roommate, or to carry someone’s child, you are good enough to be yoked. And if you don’t want to be yoked, why are you “testing” marriage anyway? If you don’t want to have that person in your life permanently then why are you having – or fathering – their child?

Of course, this post only makes sense if you have a desire to be wed. If you have no desire to be wed, then none of this matters anyway.

However, real talk: people who live together before marriage with no clear wedding date already set are three times as likely to never marry at all. People who live together with a wedding date set for the very near future (three to four months) have a better shot at staying married. People who don’t live together until marriage have the best shot at staying together.

Let’s repeat with statistics. People who cohabitate have only a 45% chance of ever getting married. More than eight out of 10 couples who live together before marriage will break up before the wedding. Only 12% of couples who start off shacking up have a marriage that lasts longer than 10 years.

It seems easy to shack up and it’s a very non-committal way to express a commitment, but it is really good for you in the long run? Statistics would seem to point to an answer of no.

And from a personal standpoint, I believe that when you shack up you take away the magic of the first year of marriage. That first year of marriage should be getting to know each other better and intimately; learning how to split up household chores; setting up life insurance policies and wills; opening up wedding presents every weekend for the first month; picking out photos for your wedding album; arguing over who gets to write the thank you note to Aunt Francine; figuring out schedules and anniversary trips; getting excited about dressing together and showering together and cooking together and living together… But if you spend all that time on some random dude or gal that you just “test out,” what do you do when you get married?

I suppose you just skip all the stuff that’s exciting for a newlywed couple and in so doing, it’s possible that you might erase some of the “magic” of the first few years.

This is not to say that all couples who shack up have an untimely demise. I know a few folks – and have read about a lot more – who have figured out how to make cohabitation work for them. For these folks, cohabitation only works because both people are truly ok with that status. But if one person in the relationship changes their mind and wants marriage, then shacking up doesn’t work. And if that’s the case, why even put yourself into that situation?

If you want to be wed, try to avoid the shack. It’s one thing to shack because your lease ran out and your wedding is in one month. It’s a whole other thing to shack up for three years in the hopes that, one day, you’ll be married. If you want to pretend to be married, why not take the plunge and go all the way there? And if you’re not ready to go all the way there, why pretend? That’s why they call it DATING.


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Newlywed Ruminations/Toss the “list” and get married – and richer – quicker

23 11 2009

Everybody has a list of items they want to find in their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to be.

It’s good to know what you want so that, in a “the Secret” kind of way, you can visualize your future with the end in mind. However, some of this visualization goes a bit too far. It is unrealistic to expect that your man be six foot three, muscled up, a brain surgeon, owner of three homes and four BMWs, have a great relationship with his parents, have no kids, work out four times a week, speak two languages and be a perfectly romantic guy who fulfills your every whim. AND be 27.

Likewise, gentlemen, a lady who looks like Beyonce, has her own hair, sings like Chaka Khan, cooks like Rachel Ray, is a freak in bed, enjoys oral and anal sex to the exclusion of traditional sex, has a flat tummy for the rest of her life, never goes on her period, has a perfect credit score, enjoys football and basketball, is happy to clean up after you and is happy to have your children without evidence of a solid relationship is also a pie in the sky kind of list.

Let’s be more realistic, shall we?

Barack Obama wasn’t born a hot shot. When he dated Michelle he drove a car with a hole in the floor. He looked funny. He didn’t have money for fancy dates. Michelle made more money than him. Hello. She still dated him because she liked him. Who knew that he’d be rich and famous and president one day? Michelle’s list didn’t require that Barack already be a part of high society.

Look around at folks in their 50s, 60s and 70s. The reason why many of them are married, drive Cadillacs, have big houses, tithe thousands of dollars to church and can take fab trips to Athens or to Jamaica now that their kids are out of college is because they pulled their money together and made their finances WORK when they were a young couple.

My parents, for example, have done quite well. But they didn’t always have a house on a hill. They used to live in the ‘hood. But they worked hard to move up and out. They pooled their resources after they got married. They decided to start a business, to get a few more degrees, to buy more property, to lean on cousins and grandparents for help with babysitting and so on and so forth. Decades later, they built a comfortable life.

Let’s repeat that: DECADES.

If you want a young man financially situated like Obama, then you will need to find a professional ball player who will marry you without a prenup. Or, you need to find a man who is 67, wrinkled, on Viagra and retired from a government job that he held for decades. For the guys, you’ll need a woman like Oprah. Good luck finding that.

As for me, I chose a perfect-for-me guy who is working on his masters degree, owns some property and already has a decade of managerial experience under his belt. He aint driving no Caddy or a Beamer. And that’s OK because I don’t drive a Beamer either. ;) Like me, he’s working to improve his situation. And, like me, he’s realized that us working together on more education, paying for property, plotting out ways to pay down debt – those are the quickest ways to success.

I talk with his friends and with my friends who are trying to find the perfect someone. Many of them have a list of some sort. And most of those lists are set up to help them fail. Everybody wants the perfectly perfect mate with the perfect social status, income, car, home, brains and physical looks. Everyone wants to marry up. But guess what? Marrying up is a fairy tale ideal that doesn’t really translate well to today’s society. You want up? Get up there yourself.

The status quo trappings of success only come with a winning Lotto ticket, an extraordinary job or time. And study after study shows that married people earn more money, live longer and have fewer physical ailments than the singles amongst us. Start a little younger and put in a few decades with Malik or Tarik or Jason and you just might wind up with a president if you plan your collective futures just right.

And gentlemen, this means you must get over your own list for yourself. No one wants to start dating you when you get old and have lost your hair and your six pack. So, you don’t've time to get the house and Jaguar before you find your wife. Find her. Marry her. Let her love lift you into being a better man. Then, buy a house and a Jag together.

Rather than looking for a rich mate, why not look for a mate to get rich with?


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