Newlywed Ruminations: Everything’s Old In This House!

15 03 2011

I’m not sure how it happened. You see, everything that we owned when we moved in together seemed top notch. Our couches were great. The bedroom sets merged seamlessly. Our plates and pots and pans just kind of went together.

But now everything is falling apart all at once. The leather couch is kind of unraveling at the seams. The dresser drawers are broken. One of the coffee cups cracked straight down the side after the hubby put coffee in it last night.

What’s going on? Well, far as I can tell, everything is old.

We didn’t buy new furniture when we got married. We just combined two households and were happy that our colors matched. Yeah, we thought, cream and purple go together. Sure. Absolutely. And it works in our living room. Really, it does. That is, it worked up until the couch started coming apart at the seams just after Christmas. And suddenly all our forks up and walked away. We only have three left. Where did they go? Did the Littles take them?

And now that an extended visit from the in-laws is looming, I am really, truly, this-time-for-real motivated to search out replacements for the most obvious of our old-ness: the forks, the couch and probably that dresser. Because I’m not sure if super glue will work this time. ;)

We thought we were so lucky, upon marriage day, that we had such great furniture and didn’t need to spend any of our money outfitting ourselves with new stuff. But that was 2.5 years ago and at that point, both sets of furniture were eight years old and had – at least in my case – traveled from Miami to Tampa to Boston to Chicago. By the time my poor little purple couch was lugged up its sixth set of stairs, it just kinda started to take on a permanent gangsta lean – though the fabric looks just fab.

It’s been a long time since I looked for furniture. I took a turn through some websites today and found myself sticker shocked. 3K for a couch!?! What in the hell.. I suppose if I watched The Price is Right I would have been prepared for the prices. Oh wait. That was the Ralph Lauren website. Maybe I should aim lower.

Anyhoo… the newlywed saga continues. Just when we got our stuff all settled and figured out where we like to sit, we need to jettison the couch! And we have to find new forks. This seems like a mundane task, but when I went to look at forks I became overwhelmed and had to leave the store. Too many types, too many prices, too many makes and models. And most of them were either oddly squared or had long, sharp tines that scare me and could injure me if I wash dishes the wrong way.

Somehow we/I missed the whole shopping for forks/couches/housewares situation when we got married. Shoot. Missed opportunity. Now I finally understand why there’s so many home decorating magazines on the market. They are made for people like me.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Stil struggling with the name change

18 02 2011

I am officially Adrienne Gibbs, but it’s still taking me a good minute to catch all my identification up to my new name. Basically I need a day off of work to go and wait in line all over the city so I can update the passport, driver’s license, library card and all that good stuff. Then there’s the credit cards, the magazine subscriptions, the bank accounts and ack, the mortgage.

Guys don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s a HUGE deal to change everything – especially if you work full time. I’ve already spent hours on the phone with credit card companies, trying to get things flipped. Half of them are. Half of them aren’t. My goal is to have it all flipped over by the end of summer.

‘Course the big issue is buying plane tickets. The name on the credit card and the driver’s license needs to exactly match the name of the person who is flying. Oy vey. What if you buy your airline ticket and then change your driver’s license? Well, you can’t fly. So the flight thing is 90% of why I can’t change over yet.

The good news is that I’m used to being called Mrs. Gibbs. Call me and I’ll answer to Gibbs rather than looking around for someone else named Gibbs. My mother has started calling me Adrienne Gibbs and finally my cousins are getting used to my new name. It’s been two and a half years, so I guess it takes a minute or two to get used to the change.

I’m almost there! My deadline is September for all these changes. I can’t do much before that because of plane tickets that were already purchased. It’s too bad that all the places I need to go aren’t all in the same building! That would make the change easier to swallow.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Let there be light!

17 02 2011

I just knew that I was doing the damn thing with my outfit.

Hot Bebe dress. Sexy purple tights. Come hither, Prince-esque high-heeled stiletto boots draped in suede.

My husband agreed. We grabbed our coats and went out to the hottest sushi spot in Chicago – ready for a few mugs of sake, dragon rolls and oysters on the half shell. We were all set until I went to the restroom at the restaurant.

It was bright in there. That’s when I realized that my tights weren’t purple. They were olive green.

Mortified, I wondered aloud, ‘how the F*** did that happen?”

I quickly peeled out of the offensive tights, still trying to keep the outfit together. This dress was purple, gray and pink leopard print. Olive? That was just tacky.

Once we got home, I realized that my bedroom light was the culprit. It was a yellowy tint that cast a yellowy shadow over everything – also explaining why I couldn’t apply makeup in my bedroom. The light also has a glass ball over it that is thick and, well, yellow. So, the two 40-watt bulbs in there weren’t doing ish for my room with its high ceilings – especially when you put a thick yellow glass cover over the light.

I’d hated that light from the time that we moved in and I’d always threatened to change it.

All this led to an interesting conversation at the light store because so many of the ceiling fixtures were dim! The ceiling fixture dude,  James, said that the energy crises had led to the manufacturing of ceiling fixtures and lamps that only operate on 40-watt bulbs. The old days of 75-watts are gone, he said. And, he added, I was about the 50th person this week who came in to find a brighter light.

I was also about the 70th person to some in and complain about the opaque light covers. Why on earth would you make a ceiling light that is dimmer than a rainy day?

I’m not sure when the old-school light bulbs stopped getting manufactured. But now that I think about it, all my lightbulbs  are either “green” or 40 watts – which is why I’ve had to purchase floor lamps to supplement the overhead light in every room in my house. It’s tough to see in my kitchen when I cook! So aggravating. And, I hate track lights, so I need another solution for that room. But I digress…

What is the point of making low-wattage lamps to save energy when you need to use eight such lamps to light your room? Where is the savings here?

As of today, my bedroom has a brand new light and ceiling fan fixture by Hampton Bay. I spent hours scouring the light store for a funky, down-facing light with at least four bulbs of 60 watts each. The fixture came with milky opaque light covers. I switched those out for clear light covers with a nubby texture. My cousin James did the install.

I’m happy that there is light. I can see my makeup, my clothes and tell the difference between olive and purple.

Moral of the story? New homeowners: don’t wait to switch out something that you don’t like about your home. Just do it so that you don’t wind up mismatched on a date with your spouse two years later. ;)


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Newlywed Ruminations: Good vibes only on your invite list…

26 01 2011

“It’s my wedding, and I don’t want anyone there who has called me a hussy.” – The Office

Art imitates life imitates art. The lady on The Office didn’t want anyone mean to her at her wedding, and I totally understand. I wanted the same thing.

My wedding guest list was vetted and vetted again, erasing all people who have been mean, ornery or didn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. There was no space in the church for folks who hated God, hated religion, hated me or hated the concept of marriage. If you felt that way, that’s fine. You just weren’t invited to the nuptials. Good vibes are a must on the wedding day.

I know of a person who this week uninvited a friend to her wedding because the friend told her that she’ll wind up getting divorced anyway. Said “friend” is no longer on the guest list and was angry because she got dropped. She complained that she was treated rudely.  However, the “friend” told the bride-to-be that she should prepare for divorce. That too, was rude. The D word just isn’t necessary when someone is excitedly discussing their marriage.

Brides-to-be! Time to put sour folks out of your life. Need some help? Ask me. ;)


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Newlywed Ruminations: Reeeeally useful wedding presents

17 01 2011

The Gibbsman and I registered for most of our wedding gifts. We were combining two households, but we still needed some essential items. Case in point: sheets and towels. Though we both had sheets and towels, I thought we should just start fresh with linens untouched by anyone but us. ;)

Two years into matrimonial bliss, the mister and I have figured out which wedding gifts were most practical – and therefore used all the time – and which gifts were awesome ideas in theory but not in practice. For example, our cousin KG and his lovely girlfriend gave us a set of butcher and steak knives. We use those knives everyday.

A coworker bought me a coffee pot. That coffee pot is used nearly everyday. And, what’s funny about that pot is that I don’t drink coffee and the mister hardly drinks it either. But, whenever we have guests? They want coffee! It’s a good thing we have a nice coffee maker by Cuisinart that makes, like, 14 cups at a time. It’s not something that I would have thought to ask for, but it actually made for a useful gift.

You really can’t go wrong with kitchen, bath or bedroom items. And even though we don’t use everything all the time, each item comes in handy at the appropriate time. Take the 20-pancake griddle for example. We don’t normally need to make 20 pancakes at a time, but when we have overnight guests? Break out the griddle! It’s a perfect kitchen item provided you have the space to store it when not in use.

For you brides-to-be, here are other items to consider:

Sheets (400 thread count baby!)

Pillow cases

Entry rugs

Extra table linens

A set of nice stainless steel pots

New glasses (fancy and everyday)

Coffee cups

Blender

Teapot

Garbage can

Cheese plate

Chafing dishes/Serving dishes

Now, even if you don’t cook, you might want to consider registering for these items. They do come in handy for parties and weekends with friends. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve perked up my own teapot this winter alone.

Every gift is a great gift, and many people simply gave us the gift of their time or of their organization skills.  However, if you are thinking of registering for – or gifting – the most practical of gifts, then take a look around the kitchen.Everyone needs a bread bowl or a cream/sugar set or a napkin holder. Wooden mixing spoons and nice mixing bowls make life easier. So do ice buckets with tongs. Measuring spoons and cups are quite affordable and yet make for awesome little wedding presents that will be used over and over and over again.

Best of all, these kitchen and bath items won’t break the bank.

Are you newly married? Which of your gift items surprised you by its ability to stay in constant use?

 


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Newlywed Ruminations: bogus bridesmaids…

11 01 2011

I had the pleasure of having lunch with two soon-to-be-wed ladies and four already wed ladies. Of course the conversation turned to bridesmaids. Everyone agreed that weddings bring out the best and the worst in your inner circle. And many agreed that sometimes you have to select a bridesmaid you would rather not have selected because of blood ties or mother-in-law’s wishes or something like that.

What I found most interesting was that each person had a sordid tale of a terrible maid who had to be ditched before the nuptials occurred. One of the ladies is still going through ditching her friend. It had to be done, she said, because the friend wilded out on the whole concept of marriage.

Said friend said something like this: “I’m supposed to be getting married. Not you.”

That was enough to kill that maid from the roster. However, she already paid for the dress, so the issue is whether or not she’ll show up to the wedding. My advice? Tell her she’s out. And even if she apologizes, keep her out. You don’t want someone with the screw face or sad puppy eyes at your shindig. No bad vibes allowed.

Another lady had to keep her 14-year-old soon-to-be sis-in-law in the lineup. She would have preferred not to, because 14 is still a child. But, the family wouldn’t go for the junior bridesmaid tag. I thought that was interesting because my nephews wanted nothing to do with my wedding besides the food and the dancing. They barely wanted to hand out programs. Still, my niece was a junior bridesmaid and that worked out fine. To each his own, I suppose.

When selecting a bridesmaid, too many of us do it out of some weird friendship guilt rather than out of true need and want. If you want your sister to be your maid of honor, make it happen! Don’t feel like you have to pick your college friend because she’s been there too. If you prefer your sister, your cousin, your neighbor – make it happen. If you don’t want a maid of honor, that’s cool too. If you want your best guy friend to be your “maid” then if he’ll do it, do it!

I just don’t think it’s a good idea to have someone in your party out of pity. I also think you should stay away from recently divorced or getting divorced friends as a member of the bridesmaid team. Plus, if a friend is pregnant, don’t force her to do this. Ask her. She might not have the cash or the energy. She might be better as a behind-the-scenes best friend. If she says yes, great. But please, no pressure if your friend is body conscious – especially when the other maids will be up there in the front of the church with little bitty tiny  waistlines.

I’m also an advocate of a little nip before walking down the aisle. But that’s another post for another day. ;)


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Newlywed Ruminations: Division of Duties

23 11 2010

Someone’s got to clean the bathtub. Someone’s got to wash the dishes. Someone’s got to take out the trash. Someone’s got to sweep – and re-sweep – this hardwood floor.

But who?

When you live by yourself it’s easy to clean up after yourself. You know your own mess because there’s no one to blame but yourself. When friends spend the night, you know the night will end and they’ll go to their own homes again. But when you live with someone, suddenly you have to wash all his coffee cups (Who on earth uses a new cup EVERYTIME he drinks coffee?); dig her old food out of the kitchen sink (Because she don’t scrape the plate in the garbage); Replace the toilet paper every other day (Because he somehow uses an entire roll a night); and do things such as hang his coat up (because it’s on the couch and you can’t sit down when the coats pile up.)

Not that any of this happens in MY household. ;)

The above-referenced items are examples of what happens when you don’t divide your duties. A spouse is a roommate on steroids and with this “super roommate” you have to work out potential aggravations in advance. I’ve also learned that some of those aggravations might never get fixed, so you just have to live with it.

Case in point: washing the floorboards.

For some reason my floorboards collect dust. It’s uncanny. Every seven days they are once again coated and every seven days I take a dust mop and attack those little gray particles. My husband, however, will have none of it. i asked him for help and he said, “I don’t do that.” He sounded very firm, so I asked again. He said no again. I let it go. I’m sure if the floorboards turn black, he’ll get up and clean them… But since I’m the one with the aversion to weekly dust buildup, then it makes sense for me to take care of my personal household cleaning issue.

Meanwhile, whenever I want greens and fried chicken? The hubby is happy to put on his man apron (aka basketball t-shirt) and cook up a meal.

Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Give’m what he wants…

26 04 2010

Lots of friends ask me the difference between being single and being married. There are a number of differences, but chief among them is the fact that I have to – no, I want to – give my husband want he wants. Period.

He wants to watch old Patriots games on replay on cable? Fine, if that makes him happy and that’s what he wants. He wants me to buy him cheesecake when I get the chance? Fine, since that makes him happy and that’s what he wants. He wants me to do more than bring him a Heineken, he wants me to OPEN the Heineken too? Fine, since that makes him happy and that’s what he wants.

These seem like trivial things right? Well, these little things add up to big marital happiness, imho. If I’m going to bother to get up, go to the fridge and then give him a beer, why not open it too? Likewise, if he is going to bother to go to Walgreens to the Red Box to get me a movie, why not buy me some ice cream while he’s at it? What I’m getting at is that we do things for each other, little things, that make the other person happy.

It’s not about servitude…well, actually, maybe it IS about servitude. I like doing for my husband, and I’m told that when kids enter the picture that I’ll enjoy doing for my children as well. And, this kind of selflessness works pretty much in any relationship that I have, be it mother-daughter or sister-sister or with other members of my family. If it makes you happy that I bring you a single tulip or if I bring you some cucumber/tomato salad, then I’ll buy that tulip or make that salad. No skin off my back, and I enjoy seeing you smile.

Nothing wrong with that. (To a point.. It is important to not go crazy with doing for others. But more on that tomorrow.)

My sister often says that people who get married need to get used to losing their selfishness. This is different than living together, as those who live together don’t have a moral/spiritual obligation to stay together. In order for a marriage to work, the guy and gal should be happy and excited about contributing to their partner’s happiness. If a person thinks that this is too much work or too much servitude, then marriage probably isn’t in the cards for that person right now.

But really, most of the changes won’t kill you. It doesn’t hurt me to read my book while the Pats game is going in the background. Usually I read in silence, but the game is no big deal. It doesn’t hurt the hubby for me to borrow his iPod when I take a walk around the block. He wasn’t using it anyway. And, it certainly doesn’t hurt that the hubby seems to enjoy taking out the trash. (woo-hoo!) Small joys come from everywhere.

This is not to say that there aren’t moments of extreme selfishness between us. I’m sure there are, but right now I can’t think of any. ;) We just take a conscientious viewpoint of each other. When I wake up in the morning and pray, I first pray for my husband, then my family (which includes his family), my friends, my president, my job and my community. It certainly doesn’t hurt for me to ask that all of these individuals are happy, healthy and in their right mind.

To give is to receive. The universe teaches me this every single day. I’ve found that in life, and most definitely in my marriage, the more I give of myself, the more I get in return. So, to give of myself is not big deal because that karma is coming right back around the bend. That opened Heineken bottle could come back ’round to me as a made up bed, or a cleaned bathtub or some groceries that I didn’t actually have to buy for myself.

Want better relationships? Learn how to serve one another.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Changing my name. Finally.

4 01 2010

I love everything about being married. But when I first tied the knot I was a bit reluctant to do the name change thing. It’s not that I didn’t like Gibbs as a new last name. But, it felt kinda weird. At first when people called me Mrs. Gibbs, I had no clue that they were addressing me! Plus, I was (and am) definitely attached to being a Samuels.

As a writer, it’s important to me that readers understand my maiden name is Adrienne P. Samuels. When I was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize, that’s the name that went with the story (which was written in Spanish by the way… Siguiendo los pasos de Francisco, 2004 St. Petersburg Times. http://www.sptimes.com/2004/webspecials04/francisco/spanish/spanish-story1.shtml)

I was also Adrienne P. Samuels at The Miami Herald, San Fran Examiner and The Boston Globe. All that to say it’s weird to say “I do” and then just up and forget who you were for all of your life. My compromise was to do the double last name. I am not hyphenated. For writing purposes, I am Samuels Gibbs. That’s how I stay connected with the name that adorns my clips. But officially I’m a Gibbs through and through.

It took me a year and a half – and dozens of sheets of paper where I practiced my new signature – to get to this point. And finally I’ve changed over my prescriptions, government ID and all other pertinent documents. It took a long time for me to get used to looking in the mirror and saying “Gibbs.” I’m also told that introducing a kid to the relationship makes it even easier to adopt the new name. I don’t have to worry about that though – just one change at a time! ;)

I knew I’d hit the transition point when I went to CVS and they called me Samuels over the loud speaker, but I never answered. When I finally went to the pick up desk, I asked for the Gibbs prescription and then realized that it was still listed under Samuels. I had the pharmacist change my name straight away. That was the first time when I was listening for Gibbs rather than Samuels.

My mom calls me Mrs. Gibbs. So does his mom. All the Christmas cards came addressed to the Gibbs. When I pick up the laundry it’s for Gibbs. When I sign checks the account says Gibbs. My own computer says Gibbs Company. The bills are addressed to the Gibbs.

It’s been a slow and sometimes painful transition. It’s required filling out paperwork and standing in line and taking new pictures. It’s meant looking at my resume and my clips and changing that all-important header. It means new business cards and new email addresses and involving my company’s IT department to facilitate those changes. It means a mental shift and an acceptance of an expanded identity.

To some, these changes make absolutely no sense. I get where they’re coming from. But my husband wanted me to take his name. That was one of the “must-have” points on his marriage list. I certainly wasn’t going to forgo marrying him because he wanted us to be spiritually, legally and Etymologically connected.

Still, I agonized over the decision. I put it off. I came up with excuses. I told him I needed more time being Adrienne P. Samuels – even though I was already married. I experimented with Adrienne P. Samuels Gibbs. Adrienne Gibbs. Adrienne S. Gibbs. Adrienne P.S. Gibbs. I interviewed other married journalists. Half of them said they took their hubby’s name. The other half said they didn’t. Both halves were happy with their decision. And I’m happy with mine.

Only thing is this: I’m still trying to find an elegant way to write a G in cursive.


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Newlywed Ruminations: Share and Share Alike…

5 12 2009

My hubby ate the last piece of apple pie.

He did it in the middle of the day, right before I arrived home from work.He also has the Jay-Z CD and my favorite portable coffee cup in his car. I, in turn, have confiscated his bomber hat, and I’ve been known to wear his sweatshirts (they come down to my ankles!) when I’m cold and in the house.

I guess we’re learning to share.

We share money. We share a bed. We share a bathroom. We share the fridge. We share the TV set. We share the car.
We share colds and the flu. We share happiness and sadness too.

There was a time when I might have had a fit if someone at my house ate the last piece of pie or chicken or drank the last drop of wine. Instead of having a fit, I now just go back to the store or back to the kitchen to cook again. It’s a never-ending process.

Sharing is akin to selflessness. And since so many of us are selfish, sometimes it’s difficult to learn how to share. I think that sometimes, this selfishness is what prevents good relationships from progressing. People in love, or who want to be in love, cannot take score. If you pull all the weight for eight months, then so be it. It’ll be his turn next. Just wait.

Also, regarding keeping score, sometimes sharing isn’t equal on the same day or in the same month. Sometimes the balance comes later.

This concept of true, unfettered sharing didn’t come naturally to me. I used to have conversations with myself about giving Mr. Gibbs the larger piece of steak or the bigger cup or more space on the bed. Ain’t I hungry too? But, he’s waay bigger than me, so it makes sense for him to have more. I’ve also adjusted how I shop. I’m sure to buy more so Mr. Gibbs can eat well. A happy hubby is a full hubby. I’m no longer buying food for just me. I must share.

It makes me think about how my mom would never finish her French fries. She’d always give them to me and say that she wasn’t hungry. Now I know that was bullshit. She might have skipped breakfast and lunch that day, but if I said I was hungry, she wanted me to eat first and best. That’s selflessness. That’s sharing.

That’s also why marriage is hard. Some people can’t imagine not going Christmas shopping or not getting their hair done because the family money must pay for new brakes for their man’s car. New brakes trump a wash and blow dry. That’s just the economic reality of familyhood. That money is shared and must now go to what benefits the whole – and not the half.

For me, marriage has definitely brought about a shift in viewpoint.

I’m curious to know how other couples manage their sharing. Do you bother keeping score? Or do you just let it flow?


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